Already got asked if we're dating
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
