He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
