Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
