Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She bit a glass in half.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
