Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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