Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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