I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
