i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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