I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
