I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
