There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
