WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
