No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
