oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
