i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I will be naked everywhere
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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