I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
