About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
