I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
