i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
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