im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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