I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
