Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i think my mom watched the whole time
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
