Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
