i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i think my cat just said my name.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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