Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
