my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Randomize
