Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
