Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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