Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
