Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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