I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
