I wish my penis had an off switch
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We need to get me chipped asap
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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