Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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