Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
