i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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