I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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