dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
