she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
