you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
