My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
