Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
