Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i dont even know how to be here
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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