I could make wine with my vomit
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
