all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
