he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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