WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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