I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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