Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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