I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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