i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
