Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
